Late Night Thought: Post-Grad Crisis

I slept on the bus on the ride home. I was so tired from the photo shoot, mind-numbing thesis dissections with my thesis adviser and training for my statistical analysis contest on Friday.

But I’m home now and I’m right here in my desk, in my bedroom in my own house, comfortable and with a pleasant view overlooking the terrace. I won’t sleep again tonight. I have so many articles to write and photocopies to read. A sip from my steaming coffee is a moment of respite to a restless mind.

My days are filled with things to do. And that is not without a few concerns and worries making perforations on my sheet of calm. It seems to me that this thing they call senior year is actually getting serious by the day. Last semester was the hardest of the seven semesters I've been through and it flew so fast and ended before my very eyes.

Now, only one semester left before I graduate and I feel both happy and sad. Happy because all these academic pressure will be done and over with, and sad because I will no longer see my friends as often as every day, no more allowance and well, real life. 

The point of this post is actually this - becoming stagnant after college. Right now, there is always something to look forward to, always something to aim for. A party, a miserable term paper, going home for a week — there is always something in sight. I fear post-college will be an endless tunnel. The future scares me. Real life will be different. 

My thoughts are getting shittier by the moment. Ahhh.


Did you have a quarter-life crisis? Because right now, I'm in a state of my own little twenty-somethings, soon to be graduate, what-the-heck-am-I-doing? 

It happened to me. It was one of those moments that sticks in your head like a movie you know you'll never forget. I was going to the canteen, and as I was checking out the mini-forest canopy, out of nowhere, one student greeted me, "Good morning, Ma'am." I was wearing my practicum uniform and yeah, I did look so professional. Couldn't blame them.

What happened after that is sort of a blur. I probably just mumbled a 'Good morning' in return and paced to my point of destination as fast as I could. When did I become a ma'am? How did I go from a young lady to a ma'am, I thought? A term reserved for, well, lack of a better word, not me. Ma'ams were for teachers, or the sort of women that would tell "In my day" stories. The fact was that I didn't feel like an adult. At all. 

So when did I become one? Somewhere along the way, I got to thinking that once I get into college, everything would fall into place as if the stars would just aligned for me. I'd have everything figured out by now. I know what I'll do. 

The real truth? I am actually left more confused. Who am I? What do I want in life? Where am I going? For the first time since kindergarten, my "life canvas" is blank. It is time for me to forge my own path, for me to make my own to-do list and for me to paint that canvas. 

Oh no. I just hope that adulthood doesn't suck so majorly. It's like being dragged to a party where I know no one and have no idea what to do besides sit on the farthest end of the room and stare at everyone having fun. 

I will not surrender to the vague and murderous pressure of adult conformity. It becomes easier to die and avoid conflict than to maintain a constant battle with the superior forces of maturity. Rather, I'll use my time wisely adoring my family, cherishing my friends and living my life and what remains of it.