If there's one thing last night taught me it's that I have intimacy problems. I know the roots of it – the fear of abandonment, rejection and betrayal that have cause me to feel unworthy and unlovable. The traumatic circumstances I had from my childhood, the abuse and all the fights I saw in my parents and years of witnessing the plight of wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds. These and all led me to feel that I am somehow innately defective, that something is wrong my being.
Perhaps, this is the reason why I don't want to have any romantic attachments with anybody. Perhaps this is the reason why I'm so secretive, reserved and aloof. This is why I love isolation so much. This is why it is so hard for me to express my innermost self in spoken words.
This is why I think I don't deserve to be loved.
The thing is, I value romantic relationships and I sometimes feel the need to be in it. However I'm scared of the commitment. I'm scared of promises being broken, of fears being revealed and feelings unrequited. I know that I'm pathetic. I know that life guarantees that all this will occur in some point or another in our lives whether I like it or not.
I'm trying to heal myself. Perhaps, it takes more than time to heal all this brokenness. And I've decided that before I enter into a serious relationship, I should love myself first.
How can I say "I love you" when I don't even know the worth of "I?"
I hope someday, I will wake up emotionally mended. And my distorted principles smoothed. I hope for the day when the disenchantments of my past would not affect my present any longer. I long for the day that I can say I'm crazy for myself.
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