My Biggest Insecurity

My biggest insecurity is my skin.

Well, it has not always been perfect. I remember all throughout high school and college I had the ocassional pimple, maybe three at most and then it will heal in a matter of days. I didn’t really mind it partly because I was really busy with school work and at that time there just seems to be more important things in the world than my skin. But most importantly, they were not interrupting with the daily course of my days.

Sadly, things changed, drastically.

After I graduated from college, I started having really big cysts on my chin. It didn’t alarm me. Maybe I was just having a reaction with a product I was using. I stopped everything that I was already using and tried everything that could calm my skin, but it just got worse and worse. At that time my boyfriend was in Australia so he didn’t really have the chance to see my skin condition. I woke up one morning and in state of denial to how I looked like. My face was so red and bumpy and sore. At that time, I was really depressed. I couldn’t go out. I couldn’t even look at the face of my students. I didn’t have a life outside my home. I quit my job because I just couldn’t bear the stares of people. The worst part is, my family seem not to understand what I was going through. Looking back, I can still feel how peoples ignorance, stares and reaction damaged my self esteem. I even considered breaking up with my boyfried because I feared that he will be in disgust with how I look like once he comes back.

After almost six months. My skin calmed a bit. I stopped using anything harsh and my skin started to clear one pimple at a time. By the time my boyfriend came back, I was still bumpy and red. I couldn’t look at him because I was too afraid of what his reaction will be. I cried myself to sleep for almost six months including hours before we met.

But when he saw me, it seems like he didn’t notice them at all.

Of course he knew that my skin is terrible. Of course he felt my bumps when he tried to stroke my cheek.

"Sweetie, look at me. Why are you not looking at me? I want to see your face."

And I still couldn’t look at him.

He knew. But you know what, it’s true what Dr. Seuss said. Those who matter do not mind.

He tapped my head, as what he always does. And we took a long walk just talking about what happened to our lives.

Last night, I was really depressed with my skin again. It looks awful because the bumps are starting to come back. When we were getting ready for sleep, my boyfriend came, he was really sweet, started kissing the back of my neck and told me to face him.

"Sweetie, look at me. Why don’t you look at me? "

I didn’t look at him and he went away. It hurt my heart because I didn’t mean to make him feel neglected. But for him, it felt like it.

When we are about to sleep, he asked me again what was wrong and why I don’t want to look at him. I told him it was because of my skin. I told him it was getting worse. It took a great deal of courage for me to open up with how I felt about my skin to him.

But then he caressed my cheek and told me.

"I don’t mind."

Of course he knew that my skin is terrible. Of course he felt my bumps when he tried to stroke my cheek.

And a year later, that still holds true.

I can say that my boyfriend is my greatest support system. He is the only person that sees me without make-up and tells me I’m beautiful. He’s the only person that has seen all of me, the parts of me that I try too hard to hide but still accepts me and cherishes me.

And because of this, I don’t wanna stop trying to be better for him. I feel safe to keep trying to find how I can manage my acne because I feel like no matter how I look like, I will still be accepted.

It’s ironic how my biggest insecurity gave me so much security in my relationship. I might as well admit that despite the odds acne has brought me, it also directed me to the ones that matter most in my life.