New Hope

After about a few days of consideration, I have finally decided to take birth control pills for my skin.

It has been two years that I have suffered from moderate to severe cystic acne. I remember I just graduated from college and I was starting a relationship with my current boyfriend when I suddenly broke out in painful under-the-skin bumps. At that time, I thought I was having a reaction to the product I was using and maybe I did. However, after a visit to the dermatologist, trying benzoyl peroxide, salicylic acid, oil cleansing, several creams and topicals to help my skin, there is just no day that I don’t wake up with my face breaking out to a new cyst or several pimples.

There was actually a time that it got better and that at the end of last year. I would consider it a great time for my skin because even if I still break out during that time, I only had at least one to two pimples or cysts. That was the time that I thought less about my skin and I went out a couple of times and actually felt some freedom from feeling insecure about my skin. But since last April, I have been breaking out again. I thought I somehow fixed my skin, or that I was getting better, or that I am growing out of acne but no, it was back with a vengeance again and after four months of waiting it out and going back to basic skin care, I decided I have to try something else now. I simply have had enough. 

I have missed a lot of hangouts with my friends because of this. I can’t go out to travel like I once did, and as far as I know, before all this happened I was such a beaming wanderlust. I am not so excited of the thought of going out of the house because the confine of the walls seems more bearable than actually plastering make up all over my face just to get rid of some of the nastiness of my skin, and to tell you, even if I put make-up on, it still looks horrible. I can’t go out on daylight because the harsh lighting reveals how bad my acne is. I don’t open the windows because the light that streams through it shows the painful condition of my skin. I try not to look at myself in the mirror because when I do, I just break down and cry. I quit my job mainly because it was physically tiring and also, the thought of talking face to face to people and giving a lecture with all the attention on my face is giving me a lot more mental and emotional stress than I could possibly handle. It just really robbed me of my self confidence and the very little self esteem that I had. I am tired of covering my cheeks with my hair and keeping my head down when in public. I am always depressed and in a bad mood because of my acne and also I have become a snob and I find it difficult to be intimate with my boyfriend because of it. 

After intensive reading about my options with birth control pills, I have decided to take Diane 35 for it. There are a lot of horror stories on the internet about it and I have read all of them and I am still convinced that I need to take the risk. I found out that I can take it because I don’t have the pre conditions and I am healthy and have no serious diseases that could make matters worse. I also have mild hirutism, a condition wherein the amount of body hair that I have is a bit more than a normal person. Also, I have hormonal imbalance and this can help regulate my hormones and will help my painful cramps and heavy periods thus alleviating my anemia. The more I think about the benefits, the more I am excited to take birth control pills. 

But of course I should be wary of some things. I have to take it responsibly, I know, that’s why read a lot of literature about it. I am also going to balance my life and not depend on the pill to balance my hormones holistically. I hope that Diane 35 works for me and would help return my confidence and improve the quality of my life overall. I hope that I won’t have the initial flare up and I hope it will kick in fast. Oh, this gives me new hope. And it has been a long time. 

My period is supposed to come tomorrow and I will start tomorrow.  I will stick to birth control and won’t try anything else until next year. I will be patient as always. I will write about my progress maybe once a week depending on my mood. 

I will still continue my skin care regimen. I will exercise and eat well. I will be okay.

On Loving Myself

Physical imperfections? I have them.

When you look at me you would see I am nothing special. I have hooded eyes that makes me look older than my age. My hair seems to be always out of place. I have no recognizable skill in styling my hair. My biggest insecurity is my very scarred, uneven, blemish prone skin and until now I still have active acne. I have button nose which is slightly bigger than how I wanted it to be. I have pale lips and pointy teeth. I have uneven skin tone and my arms and calves are just a little too masculine. I have very rough hands and feet. I am not tall and I definitely do not have thin, long legs.

But somehow I love myself. There are days when I feel bad and think of all that I am not and all that I'd rather be. But as I grow older, there are more days that I feel comfortable in my imperfections. As my days pass, there are more days that I feel I am enough. I wake up with mornings of gratitude thinking that I will never be as young and healthy as I am today. I feel thankful that I am enough.

When you look at me, you would see I am nothing special but I love how my eyes are so deep and mysterious. I love how they allow me to see the beauty of other women, of people, of children, of nature. I love how my hair is thick and strong and full of character. It survived a lot of abuse in the past but now, it has bounced back to health. I am grateful that though I still breakout a lot and my face is never gonna be as smooth as a baby's skin because of severe acne, it is getting better and I am more knowledgeable about my skin than before. Of course, I wanna have clear skin, but I have come in terms with my skin. It is something that I cannot really control, and I just have to keep faith that something will work. It has taught me to be gentle and patient and not judge people with their looks. I have learned what true confidence means and I have come to realize that people can still get drawn to you if you pay attention to them, look in their eyes when they talk and even if you are really so shy about your face looking so bad at the moment, you still attend work and help them out as if you are not troubled with your skin. Acne really taught me a million things and made me recognize who really are my true friends. I have button nose which gives more character to who I am and it doesn't really bother me much. I have plumpy lips and a smile that my boyfriend finds beautiful. My skin makes me feel protected and warm during cold times. My arms and calves are strong that I can go for long walks and I can carry heavy things without difficulty. My hands allow me to write and my feet take me places. I have proportionately pleasing legs that contributes to my pleasing figure.

I have come to terms with being unattractive and yes it's an everyday struggle but today, I feel I am enough and no one can take that away from me.

Life Lately

Well, where do I begin?

I am back home. I moved back home last week after I finished my work. Since then, I have had restful days, knocking myself out with naps and passing time, reading, daydreaming and some yoga here and there. Life is good.

I have a new laptop, a more stable internet connection and I fortunately passed the job interview for the job that I am applying for. Tomorrow, I have my mentoring which means I will devote some more time studying the demo materials for it. I need to master it and show that I deserve this job. The first time I had my interview, I was not very satisfied of myself. I was so nervous and so now I need to work harder for it and be awesome tomorrow.

Where do we go from here?

I plan to work everyday of the week to earn money and pay my bills and save money for my trip to Korea but I will not overwork myself. Since this home-based, online trainer job pays well, I will just work for 40 hours every week. I am planning to have this job until I can live in Korea permanently, so I must take this seriously and be better at it.

This next month will be spent on stabilizing myself in the job, and for my trip to Korea which means I have to go to Manila next month for my visa processing. My only problem now is my bank balance, but I am doing my best for it.

I am also spending time on discovering my personal style and my capsule wardrobe. I am planning to do the project 333 and I am also looking to streamline my beauty routine.

I guess that's all for now.

Read this when you feel ugly

Instead of feeling ugly and worthless, why don't you do something that your body will thank you for?

Why don't you go outside? Put a cap on and wear your running shoes and run or take a walk outside for a bit. Get up early and watch the sunrise. Why don't you do yoga instead? Free your mind from all this senseless overthinking. You are doing what you can. Instead of spending so much of your mental energy wishing for things to get better, why don't you start doing what you can do right now about it? Be gentle to yourself. It will get better. Great things take time. 

Why don't you pamper yourself? Take a long shower. Slather yourself in foamy, fresh-smelling bubbles. Wipe yourself dry, put on nice clothes. Brush your teeth so thoroughly. Splash water on to your face. Wash your feet, massage them and get a pedicure. There are so many ways to pamper yourself and it will leave you feeling fresh and clean and so feminine. Love yourself.

Why don't you clear your head by writing it down? There is no better way to rationalize your feelings but by writing them down and looking at it in another perspective. Why don't you pray? It can relieve the stress. 

Why don't you have a drink? Tea, you love tea. Sip on it and let it calm your senses. Or water. Chug water. Every time you start with self loathing, drink to it. 

There are so many things you can do. Everyone feels ugly. Stop being so fucking selfish.