Get Out of My Head Already

We met at the fore of the publication office (which is now my home inside the University) two years ago where we had both come for an interview to be a staff of the University paper. It was unexpected and I never had the slightest idea that he liked me during that time.

Of course I was nervous sitting there waiting for my turn to be interviewed. That is normal for an interviewee waiting to be called upon for an interview, I suppose and I was memorizing lines in my head while my anxiety attacks were seething at the back of my head.

“What do you think are the questions they’ll ask us?” he said.

“Um… I have no idea. I’m baffled myself and quite nervous…” I replied. I was surprised for it was very rare that a stranger actually tried to talk to me.

“Hi, I’m Russel.”

Before I knew it, we were talking for five minutes already. The conversation was friendly, smooth and comforting enough to lure me into responding to his sentiments freely and spontaneously. I never knew that during those times something weird was brewing inside his mind, something I didn’t anticipate, something I wasn’t looking for.

He was the first one to be called to the interview room and I was next in line to him.

“Good luck,” was the last word I bid him that day not knowing that something strange had occurred inside him and the object of that strangeness was me.

Weeks later, Pearl, my close friend, phoned me one star-swept night and I was lying supinely upon my bunk giggling with the person on the other line. After so much insignificant conversations about our raptures as freshmen in college, our conversation meandered towards some guy.

“Kate, you know someone named Russel, Journ, Raimer’s classmate?” I know I’m to be despised but I totally forgot about him.

“Ummm...no. I don’t know if I met him or her. Why should I?”

“He’s totally into you, Kate. The guy’s totally into you. He was asking for your number from me the other day. He’s a classmate in CWTS.”

I was appalled and surprised.

“What? Is this a joke?”

I can’t actually believe that somebody, not belonging to my friends circle, would take interest in me.

“No Kate. I’m serious. This guy asked for your number. He said he met you during the FD interview thing.”

After a series of identifiers and suggestions conveyed by my good friend Pearl, I was still dazed and confused. What had just happened? Does this mean something?

Then weeks later, I found myself listening to stories related by Raimer about how Russel is so into me. Raimer had given me the details of his affection towards me, from notes with hearts on it, what he liked about me, how he would like to talk to me or just text me and stuff that I couldn’t believe a stranger turned admirer would do to me. It was strange. I didn’t know what to do.

During that time I was still in a relationship. I liked my boyfriend and I was not interested in someone else. But after we broke up (me and my boyfriend), he was the first one to call me and see if I was doing okay. He was very sweet and we talked for a long time It was nice to be comforted after being broken and shit.

How could I not care for this guy who drops by your blog and leaves this:

“i know how it is to find a place to fit in...having to plant your roots somewhere...too bad i wasn’t able to share the same laughters with you, i could've occupied a percentage of your board... still I’m hoping that someway, somehow... I could find the perfect spot to fit in... someday soon.”

After thinking about it, I let open the communication lines. I was convinced that he liked me and who am I to not return his affection? Why not give it a shot and see if I like him back? Maybe he’s a catch! However I told him to not expect anything because I’m not over from the last relationship. I am not the type who would jump from one relationship to another, or accept someone as a rebound. I am not someone who would play other people’s feelings so I asked him to give me time.

He said he was willing to wait but in the meantime we exchanged numerous texts over the course of the next few days. We had so much in common and many similar interests. He would tell me to take care and stuff, would tell me good night, and all the sweet little things. I replied him back because I wanted to like him.

However, I realized that no matter how I persuaded myself to like him. I just couldn’t do it. He’s ideal. He’s sweet and takes care of me and looks past my imperfections and doesn’t treat me like crap. I prompted myself to think about him, that he’s something, he must be and I must like him. This is what I’ve been looking for. But there is always a time in a girl’s life that no matter how she wanted to like someone, it just doesn’t work out that way. I really wanted to accept him but my feelings towards him weren’t enough to make me consider the serious business of being his girlfriend. I wanted to be on cloud 9 but not in a way that I am only holding him at arm’s length. I wanted to take a chance, to leap, be in love…but it didn’t felt right…not with him. It wasn’t easy to say no to such a very caring and loving guy so I let him hang around for a long time. Really long time!

And I’m talking about eight months.

As a thinking and feeling being that I am, I decided to put an end to it. I don’t know any other way to tell him gently about how I feel other than a letter. So I penned these words.

Russel,

I’m very flattered to receive such feelings from you. I’m not used to be appreciated being the plain old me. But you see me quite differently and with sweetness, interest and affection that I haven’t experienced for quite some time. How could I not be so glad with such sincerity from a nice guy like you?

I have been thinking about what you’ve asked from me. I can still remember that night you asked me. It was one cold January evening when you called and I was so sorry not to tell you what you wanted to hear. Instead, I told you to wait for me and tonight I’ll tell you in the gentlest way possible about how I feel for the last eight months that have passed.

You are a nice guy. You are so sweet to me and you look past my imperfections. You see my bests and accept me even though I’m uninteresting and awkward. Your feelings for me is almost nauseating. How can someone be that nice all the time? Are you ever honest? I still cannot get over the fact that you see me in a different perspective. Do you really intend to make me happy? To put a smile on my face?

I’ll just get straight to it. I am sorry for making you hold on for so long but I don’t think I want to be in a romantic attachment with you. I know how shallow I am and you – a smart, genuine-hearted guy and you are most exactly what I need but I just don’t see the puzzle fitting together. I just can’t envision us being together. I’m telling you this in the hope that you’ll be free, and me too, because I’m stricken with guilt for having kept you and used you ill. I will absolutely loathe myself if I hurt you but so is the thought of saying or doing things just to make someone happy beyond my feelings.

If there is something I will be afflicted from is losing your friendship and the times you’ve been there for me is something I will never disown. You really want what's best for me and would be the ideal boyfriend. Why don't I like you?! I wish I did, but I truly can't.

I don’t want to lie or make excuses from you anymore because lies hurt so much more than the truth.

Take care. I wish you happiness.

The more I think about the whole thing the more I'm convinced that I did the right thing. No matter how I come to encourage my feelings, it wouldn't have worked out anyway. I wrote this because I want to gt this all out of my head already. He's happy now and we're friends but not in speaking terms. All in all, I guess it's really true that those people who didn’t greatly change my life often seem to be the ones that haunt me the most. It’s all still here. But even with such visceral memories, one feeling doesn't exist to me anymore.