My knees would just impulsively shudder whenever I saunter upon corridors and hallways in school and because of so much nervousness, I tend to bend over or bow my head, my sight at the ground so to not show the pale expression on my face. I try to walk as fast as I could, and after that I would feel relieved having surpassed a multitude of people.
When I am on my classes, I would sneak at the back row, sometimes, in the corners. I won’t start the conversation with my neighbor, I’m just too shy. And when he does talk to me, I first usually think before replying – I rarely blurt my thoughts without editing them in my head. Sometimes, I get exhausted and drained just organizing my words in my brain.
Whenever I sit there, all by me, I sometimes perceive strongly to smells, touches, tastes, sounds, and people. I observe how my classmates perform and create disjointed sketches of them on my doodle pad. Sometimes, I prefer working on journalizing stuffs and jotting down my thoughts about everything around me.
When people stay close, I never talk. And they would often react and tell me that I should stop being “quiet, calm, peaceful and solitary” all the time or else I would be turned into a saint or something. I hate it when people call me names, especially people who doesn’t know me, but I can’t blame them, it was me who’s defective.
The thought of attending our college acquaintance party never came into my mind, though the party spoke about social gathering, fun, food, music and a nice setting, it barely engrossed me. From the start I thought it was absurd, to talk to people I never encountered in my whole life, but obviously, that’s why people call it ‘acquaintance’. I am never good at associating with people. I can’t stand too much attention and being someone to be talked about is something I can’t stand.
When I passed the first qualifying exam at Forum Dimensions, the University’s Official Publication, my classmates started congratulating me and giving me compliments I never used to obtain, praises I never had the control to accept. After those instances, I just feel exhausted rather than confident.
What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong? I constantly ask myself. But I know that there is nothing wrong with me. It’s the way I am, and ever since I came to understand it better, I realize it’s not only who I am, it’s who I prefer to be.
I have a fantastic inner world. Sometimes, I think I am self-centered scatter-brain. I feel guilty that inside me, is where I thrown my own party for myself and invited none but my id, ego and superego. How egotistical, how selfish!
