Without Honors

At school, today, we had a practice for the graduation. The marches, the time to sit, to stand, to clap…to everything was practiced. I was sitting on the back row and I felt the miserable longing to be in front… right there I realized I was some sort of a flop. That conclusion sank upon me, as if it is going to crush my whole being into dusts… or being stabbed in the chest by a knife. I felt the pangs of inferiority. The naked truth is the final trait of reality. The torment of human frustration… the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and "mangled mind" leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict. I felt like a failure.

When I graduated in Elementary, I was in front. I sat in front. That gave me a feeling of pride and self-importance. Of course, when you are sitted in front, you are recognized. When you are in front that means you are on the top of the hierarchy. You are a monarch.

Now, I’m at the back row. I got awfullty bad grades. It’s not that I envy anyone… well a part of it…I just feel frustrated, the pride and self-worth is kind of lost. And the thought that my efforts are not appreciated enough and the fact that someone tried to impede my feat is painful.

See the twists of fate. It comes on sometimes unbearable sometimes joyful surprises. I’ve taken the bitter with the sour. And I long for the sweet.

This post is tragic…excuse me.

After graduation, there’s more to look forward to. College is there for me. I think that God gave me this experience to awaken my soul to do better, to give me motivation, to give me enthusiasm and the spirit to do better on the next chapter of my life. My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no ones business but my own. I am a force. College will be another battleground to prove that I am worthy of things. I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny.

“Kate, embrace the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments…like people. Each moment is essential. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed”. I love Corita Kent for telling me that.

The sharp edges of the knife stabbed me painfully, I felt it. But the knife is the mishap. Yes, it cut me but it also carved me in to something better.

Let's save the tears for graduation.