Gratitude is the balm for Worry

The majority of my life is undocumented now. It would look like: me in front of my netbook or reading some blogs, or running in the sports complex, or writing some marginalia, in suspiciously pajama-like clothes. Or me walking to class and then sitting in the first row next to the professor in half-lotus, rolling my eyes ferociously and making unrelated notes. (I actually had a heated argument with my European Literature professor, but I don't want to burden you with negativity, so I won't blog about that.)

I think for some of us the problem with being alone too much is not being sad, but being bereft of the moderating influence of others. Ideas and impulses and moods are amplified when they are only bouncing off the inside of one's own skull. I think I'm having an existential crisis.

I am also having a serious problem with fulfilling my requirements. I've been slacking. I get easily distracted by my thoughts, by other's thoughts, by random things. But tonight, I'm going to do the right thing. Maybe, I just need some inspiration. Oh God knows, I need some inspiration.

So tonight, I'm going to write twenty journal entries about my practice teaching. I'm done with ten though so i'm gonna give myself the metaphorical pat on the back for a job well done. I'll also find five journal articles and make summaries. I'm gonna do these with some folk music humming in the background, of course. Also, our presswork in FD starts next week and I'm halfway through my articles. I still need to come up with the graphics, cartoons, pictures and lay-out of my page. Boring, boring, boring.

You know what, I'm excited to end all this suffering and move on to my second semester. I just need to get off this swamp of requirements and to-do lists. School, and life in general, has been trying my patience in the last week or so.

Then like some epiphany I saw this, "difficult ordinary happiness." I copied this on a piece of paper and taped it on my reminders. I realize that amidst all this chaos, the challenge is finding something to be happy about in the mundane everyday things, especially if they are not going your way, is always the hardest.

Because there are some good things. Like the way light is reflected on the pool of water in the sidewalk. Falling asleep to music in a language that you don't understand. A long, honest conversation with your best friend. Hot tea. A bowl of oatmeal with honey. A kiss, a hug from your little brother. A mother's smile. The scent of burning wood. I fell in love with the little pleasure my days offer and yes, for me these are more than enough to see my day in color-tinted glasses.

To be doing something so physically demanding and feel so at ease in your being at the same time, this definitely doesn't happen often and I am grateful for it.